The Wild Psyche: Resilience

Tips: Resilience

            "Keep your head up, Kyle!" my adrenaline pumped wrestling coach screamed as I struggled in defense against an esteemed CIF hopeful. "Keep your head up, now stand! Kyle, stand. Go!" my coach screeched in frustration as I tried to find the endurance to do so. I remember the fatigue hitting my muscles and mind as it was hard to make my muscles move, let alone keep my brain focused in that effort. The sweat was running down my face and seeping into my eyes causing another distraction. The competitor was hitting my elbows as to break me down to make his next pin maneuver but my elbows didn't budge and my arms were bright red from his failed attempts. I was being whipped around and slammed into the mat pretty hard and each time I would exhale with such a pressure that I'm sure my team mates could here the fatigue emanating from my distracted and fatigued body.
            "BLAK!" my shoulder hit the mat again and whipped my head to the mat following it. My head was now disoriented and a piercing headache took it's residence. The competitor grabbed one of my arms with both hands and then I heard it: "NOW".
           I ripped his hands off of my arm, stepped up with a fury, and swung around backing up to take a look at him. He was just as fatigued as I was due to my resilience. "I've been getting thrown around for the last two rounds and I've only been defending. I now know his only three tactics. I don't know if I'll be able to offend but I wont let those maneuvers pin me after knowing how they work", I thought to my self. I then engaged my enemy with vigor and delivered defense with the same tenacity he would strike in offense.
            I spent the rest of the match countering his moves second after second. After a while I began to laugh, not only at myself but the opponent I was wrestling. I remember laughing as he smashed my face into the mat and attempted to exert another generic pinning move on me. My face was definitely in a mess but I countered that move with the rest  of my body and his efforts were futile. Needless to say, I lost that match and at the end of the last round the points read an embarrassing 14-6. But hey, I didn't get pinned and my opponent sure was pissed.
          Now in my older years this event has held a significant meaning in my life as well as a lesson well learned. Resilience doesn't always win the match but you'll never find yourself pinned in the first minute and a half of fighting. The process is long, but a process worth enduring for the sake of personal development and of course, pride.
        The most successful people in this world are the resilient. Consider Steve Jobs who picked up the failing Pixar company after being practically kicked out of Apple Incorporated. Jobs continued to invest in this company for 4 years and almost gave up on it when just a year later Toy Story, a movie, grossed 361million U.S. dollars world wide. After 11 years of being away from Apple Inc. he had already created a child's movie giant and another company called NeXT. He then came back to Apple Inc. when another company he founded, called NeXT, was defunct. Apple now makes over 156 billion dollars in revenue after being started in a Job's garage 37 years ago.
          Consider Bill Gates with Microsoft where in the first year they had a revenue of 16,000 (he would have made more working in a cubicle for an already established company) in the first year. One more year later: 1 million. 38 years later they now have a revenue over 73 billion. Imagine the alternate outcomes if these masterminds had given up in their passion and goals.
         If you have been fighting a mental illness for only a year or 5 years while trying to achieve your supposed "outlandish" dreams and goals and making only satisfactory progress-- consider yourself on the way to stardom. Both of these companies previously mentioned took about 3-5 years to amount to anything significant to any other ordinary business.
    
        Everything in life is a huge wrestling match. You'll spend more time getting teared up and thrashed on the way to a successful and victorious match than you ever will spend on actually being in a successful and victorious match. But this is all good; it means you are still fighting for something better that what you have or are now. It means you're doing more than most people would even think of doing in their life time.
         It took me two months of looking like a girl on the mat to finally have a victorious match. Actually, you know what? No, two months to have a couple victorious matches in the same day along with a second place medal. It took 4 years to finally be able to get a B in a math class in high school. It took me 4 years to actually  be able to bench 185 pounds, 4 years before I could barely lift the bar. It took me 19 years to actually develop some sort of inner pride and self inflicted confidence in myself. 19 years to admit to myself I might actually be smart, even if it's just a little. It took be 19 years to understand and control most of my fears. It took me 19 years to have confidence in my writing. It took me 19 years to actually play the piano and stay there. 19 years to be everything I want to be write now, but not everything I want to be tomorrow or ever again and all of this was given to me in the last 5 months of my life.
         Tomorrow I'm going to wake up to where I am not enrolled in school. I'm going to wake up realizing I have 1 point to raise my GPA to be considered admittance into any 4 year college. I'm going to wake up to a person who needs to raise at least 2 points to be admitted to the program of my dreams. I'm going to wake up to a person who still has at least 2 years of community college to do that. I'm going to wake up to a blog that probably only has 20 views a day, bills that have to be paid, tuition to be raised, work shoes to purchase,  a flabby stomach, people who aren't exactly impressed with who I am and what I've done and decided to do, and this little voice that says "just give up" 24/7 and seeks to give me more gifts to wake up to.
       Today I have all these things. I have them because I let my depression and anxiety pin me. But now I know how the dynamic duo works. I know their tricks, schemes and maneuvers. And what am I doing now? I'm once again arrogantly laughing against my opponent because he can be offensive but he can not pin me.
       One day I will have all things of the opposite manner and more. One day I will wake up and be happy that I decided to wake up again. One day, one person will look at what I did with my life and say "I'm going to do that too." And ONE day I will charge the streets and with real meaning and understanding sing the less than satisfying, repetitive but reasonable lyrics by Drake " I just think its funny how it goes. Now I'm on the road, half a million for a show. And now we started from the bottom now we're here. Started from the bottom now my whole team [freaking] here."


But that one day isn't here, so now I'll do what Jobs and Gates did and do what I need to get there TODAY.

(Facts and statistics brought to you by Wikipedia.)

The Beckoning: A Call To Action (Begin Your Dreams!)

Think--- I won’t

Feel--- I can’t anymore

See! I want you to see

I want you to see those who aren’t and those who can’t be

I want you to know that this burnt remain of mangled matter isn’t the only meal

I want you to know that life doesn’t have to nauseate like a vertiginous carnival wheel

I want you to steal back what was yours and still can be

I want you… to feel

I want you to remember

Remember the sun

The way is rises and sets

Does it not forget to rise again?

Does it not forget to take back its accession in the sky?

It takes back what was His and illuminates the earth

To release its permanent ember giving it new birth

Remember after the storm the sun is unveiled

And the tale of its wonder reappears and its luminescence glimmers on the green

It bounces, and rolls, and flies as it revives and gives depth and color and reveals the real scene

The colors you forgot at darkness now are uncovered

And now the calumny set by the Cimmerian shade is severed by brilliant truth in its excellence

You now see completion

You now see perfection in its most realistic and transcendent form of exactness and precision

You now see the impeccability of Nature’s merit

You now know beauty exists and it is ideal to agree with its quality of superiority

You now know the paragon upon which it lies upon

Us.

You and I

Me and you

It shines on us

Beckoning to us to start on cue

To commence from whence this phenomenon emanates

Perfection

We start at and with Perfection

Where darkness leaves and deception flees

This is where we start, here and now

Can you see it?

Opportunity resonates in the vicinity as undeniable as the soul, cell, and psyche of Nature’s trifecta

The sounds are as boisterous and resplendent as the sounds of a symphony orchestra

The world is now painted by radiant rays

It beams and paves the ways of paths now possible

It makes the harsh blur and intimidating memories of nights past tolerable

As it flows side by side, over and under, and even through life it self

It is now your valiant companion, now utilize it!

Take off like the charge of a thousand cavalry soldiers

Explode into the air and rain down like a volcano after it smolders

Pick up life’s sword and weald it as musketeers of old

Fire and reload your gun forever and expect no return as those of The Revolutionary War

Run as the Spartans ran as they clashed with the Persians and created a shock so sore

That the sky fell with fear and the earth shook in its shadow of courage and endurance

This is the reality of light, this is perfection, this is the precipice of Life it self

This is truth!

See! Feel! Think!

See the path placed before you if you but step one foot

Feel the light as it warms and injects and inflicts and puts the ability to think in your soul!

If you but let it

But this is all I can say

All I can ask

All I can beg until you choose to do it on your own

All I can play until you learn to play your own tone

This is now when you decide

Whether you take the boost of the Ocean’s wave or be swallowed by it’s riptide

The truth may be the light, and the light you may find

But until you decide to progress instead of assuming permanence of darkness

You not only choose to not live but you choose to be blind

Love Poem: Where Happiness Begins

Put my troubles aside
And watch the tide roll in
Watch happiness begin
I'm here with you tonight

No place I rather be
No sight I rather see
You, and all your graces
Is enough to fill the lonely spaces

Cause when I'm with you
The clouds part, the music starts
And I can finely see the view

The panorama, the beach, the sand a,
Blacket to keep us tight
Watch happiness begin, because I'm here with you, tonight

White Boys Can Rap (Just For Fun)

No one thinks that a white boy can make a rap

But chill out, sit and grab a snack

 First of all, in my rhymes I don't cuss

Now chill out boy don't cause a fuss

I been spendin many years studying in the library 

So you can bet by now I got a infinite vocabulary 

My flow be smoother than ice

 I got plenty of manners and I'm always nice

On Christmas Eve I'm on the top of the list

But don't underestimate or you'll talk to my fist

But errday I be gangsta spittin

My haters be always over steppin

But don't matter I  make it rain over all

lAnd you can bet by now I know how to ball

Abasement To Encouragement

It's like waiting for the sun to set

Then darkness falls into your stead

Before you know it your on the ground

Surrounded by an awful sound

Dark memories blow you around like smoke

And failure forms an awful yoke

Your hands are bound and eyes are blurred

Your rational has been bent and slurred

Running away from life's worst fear

Try to find refuge but nothings near

Set back by doubt, you shout, but no one hears

Advice takes place but you've lost ears to hear

It's like waiting for the sun to rise

Looking for God into the skies

Manufacturing your own light

Cleanse into water to bright

Run and slam into your worst fear

To sweep away doubt and clear the tear

Seek to understand and seek to hear

Steady your mind and clear your ear

After lesson learned advice is near

It's like receiving a second chance

Clouds are lifted for you to glance

Light and warmth penetrate your soul

And luminescent embers guide your goal

Wake Up! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up! 

I told myself in my sleep

As I meddled in the deep 

Away from the room

I wrestled and tossed in my gloom

Slipping into my imminent doom

Wake up! Wake up!

Shouted my mind to my soul

As irrationality grinded reality  into a spectrum so dull 

I finally heard and I lunged

I hit bottom and shouted as I plunged

I bounce And flopped face up into the light

It shocked and flashed my senses as it blinded me

And my supposed flight was what really had bind me

Awake, awake

I clamored and hammered fist and knee into soil

And I cluttered, I stuttered in stature as I arose

And saw the pit I dug, and the work I now toil 

But with out hesitation I admitted and  with mind unfroze 

This journey won't be fast

And this lesson won't be the last

The Wild Psyche: Magic

          Today we live in a world where magic is taught and made reality when we are young. Today we live in a world where we are required to lose that magic as we get older. Where Disney movies are no longer cool after a age of 12. Where magic tricks are just quick gimics with an explanation by the age of 13. Where miracles stop. Where people just die and not come back to life. Where starving children in various countries die without  any attention, dictators rule and orchestrate genocides, religious leaders commit sins, and politicians betray their people. Rising teens assume adult pleasures like sex, alcohol, and drugs at young and ignorant ages. They lose innocence. They indulge and ignorantly starve themselves of reality through addictive habits. Then somewhere between the "adult" practices one encounters nostalgia of when there was still magic but now there is just sex, drugs, and alcohol, living paycheck to paycheck, your stupid stupid boss, you ex, your stupid house, your stupid car, and your stupid life. Instead of rainbows and sunny skies it's hail storms and ashy air. Then you contemplate to your self "where did the magic go?" It didn't go anywhere, you did.

            You were at some given age and someone made fun of you for enjoying something that held the magic for you. Whether it was Santa, Power Ranger shirts, or silly card tricks but someone somewhere expressed their disapproval in your magic. A parent or bully convinced you that your magic is not real anymore and is childish. But that is just a reflection of what happened to them. Someone ruined the magic for someone. They came in like robbers of the night stealing dreams and delivering "realism". It happened to them, so now they're going to do it to you. But with you it has to change, dont ruin the magic for someone else. Let them believe. For those don't have magic, look for it. It's there. 

   

        Now the reader would be so inclined protest at this moment. "Kids need to grow up" and "kids need to learn how to focus and work" is what the dusty people of the world say. But there is no correlation between laziness/childness with magic. It's ironic that humanity is in awe and jealousy of the "lost" magic when they are the ones that made it up. It's ironic that women hope and pray for a chick flick miracle but never look foward to it happening. If we adore these ideas so much, why dont we live them? 

    

       Instead of using enginuity to create great inventions, intuition to do do what is right, instinct to love we disolve and rob ourselves through moment's pleasures. We give up, we grow up, and stop believing. We drink to not care at a young age. We smoke to see worlds away from this disaster at a young age. We endulge in destructive sexual habits at a young age and make that love because men/women always  cheat, people always leave or die, and it has something in it for you. All these habits have something in it for you. So you grab it, because someone took the magic away before you knew you had to hold on. But thankfully, contrary to assumed belief, unlike innocence you can always retrieve magic. If magic was comparable to innocence then Disney would never exist, Marvel comics would have never been made, DC would just be a city instead of another line of comics, and the titles Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings would hold no weight. The creaters of these wonders held on or retreaved their magic and they made something out of it. They gave people hope and joy through their magic. They made a living on it and changed the world. 

       Now the reader may scoffingly resent this idea rebuttling with a chuckle "so you want me to believe in super heroes and fairy tales?" Why not? These things are more real than you would think. Batman had a phobia and he did more than overcome it, he became it.  The Hulk has a problem with anger he overcame it and used it for good.  Spiderman was a nerd with no confidence who then became a beacon of courage against all his chemically enhanced foes. Superman had a problems with girls, it took him forever to express his love to Lois Lane. Ironman is a raging alcoholic and a sex addict and in the end he picks the right woman and the right thing to do. Batman and Ironman have no superhuman power except percerverance in their strengths which in return pecomes their super power. Spiderman and Superman at some point lose their power. The Hulk had the power sucked out of him at one point. But in the end they get their power back. All the heroes at one point lose faith in themselves but they get back up. They are not diffrent from us. They all are a little weird, lost, and have their own disorder. But what seperates us from them? It's rather simple: people fall down, heroes get back up. 

            Disney movies are all about life lessons. Just because they are talking animals and 2D images doesn't mean there isn't truth there. The Lion King is about obeying parents and forgiving ourselves. Hercules is about getting back up and putting someone else before yourself and in the end that is what makes him a god. Peter Pan is about believing in something bigger than you and I and being able to grow up still believing in it. The Little Mermaid is about getting out of the place we live now and living in better and bigger places. Mulan is about family honor, courage, and becoming physically strong. All these stories and charecters are closer to real life than one would think. I see magic everywhere I go. I see addicts recovering and aligning them selves again and saving their life. I see people finding their faith amongst all the physical and mental angst that may surround them. I see people losing hundreds of pounds of weight and being free from the burden that consumed them. I see police officers going out of their way to save someone from villians. I see some politicians pushing for a new better world, soldiers fighting for it, scientists engineering for it, and teachers trying to mold it. I see artists of film, photography, paint, and word describing this world in an original way. But the most spectatcular are those who are close to us. Our family and friends who fall down and pick each other up. Parents who don't stop caring, take care of their family against all cost, fathers who pretect us, and especially our mothers who danced with death just to give us life. 

       I see magic everywhere. The basis of that becoming is either one: you trying to see it and/or two: you making it yourself. All these stories and superheroes  are simply just that, it's the fundementals under it all that is magic. That magic is what is forever and never ends. Those abusive habits we succom to are for the moment and we remember that everytime after we have done them but in the height of the moment we rationallize and convince our selves other wise. Those who believe in this aforementioned magic are the ones who experience it forever and in return live forver. Imagine the world without dreamers like Walt Disney, Goerge Washington, Martin Luther King, Stan Lee, Ghandi and Jesus. Miracles dont cause faith, faith is the cause of miracles. These people were miracles because of their faith in something bigger than themselves. These people were magic. You are magic, so use it. 

The Wild Psyche: A Reason To Walk

 Today I went on a walk. No destination. No reason. No appointment. No fitness driven cause. No real motivation whatsoever. But just for the mere reason that's the only thing I can do. So I walked.

    As I walked I thought about that simple seemingly meaningless statement "I walk because that's all I can do". I couldn't really shake that statement out of my mind; there was something wrong with it. I then started to think it selfish of my self to feel that way when there are people stricken in wheel chairs and beds that instead say "All I wish is to walk but it is something I will never get to do". Then I thought about people including myself who eat when they are depressed when there are people in this world who are depressed because they can't eat. I then looked at the mountains and the sky and thought about places in the world I've seen in pictures and I was depressed because I may never get to experience those places and then I thought of all the people in this world who wish they could go outside and see these sights but they can't because of an ailment. Then I thought of the blind who wish they could simply just the light of day but never will. After this point I was no longer depressed but angry. Angry at myself and angry at everyone else who has ever thought like that. How selfish. How demeaning. How ungrateful the tendencies of the blessed physically and partakers of the 1st world countries are; but even after that realization how many times am I going to return to that train of thought?

     I then started to swear to my self, my grip tightened, my chest got heavy, and self brought darkness enveloped as I welcomed the things that made me angry and let other things enter my mind. I started to think about the church and the reasons why I was mad at it. I've always believed that facts are constant but it's your perception of them dictates how you deal with them. But that didn't stop me from thinking that the facts had changed which caused a breach in perception. So I walked and blamed the facts. "The facts are the reason I feel this way. If the facts were different then I'd be different. I'd be happy and more motivated." I then thought how embarrassing it is that I can't talk to anyone in my faith about my problems without feeling guilty. I moaned to myself also thinking it a paradox that the place where happiness and salvation is promised only delivers guilt and self loathing. I thought about the last few months of how I wanted to feel enlightened and happy like a did a year ago. Full of faith and hope in my own cause and my religion but instead spent the the last feel months faking a feeling I thought would eventually come. But instead I was reminded by a short article by Langston Hughes where everyone is going to the front of the church is getting healed. I waited like him, waiting to feel it. To be healed and feel saved again. I witness other people full of confidence being saved but none is delivered to me. Some claim it is because of my example is a factor why they feel so confident. As much as it brought a sense of self worth to my character it also brought jealousy and contentment. Why is it that I was a satisfying treatment to another faith but there is none to satisfy mine?  These are the things I let ferment in my mind. Ignorantly throwing responsibility and accountability on a external factor.      But amidst all this amid thought I thought my situation a very different one to Langston Hughes. The article ends with the possible assumption that there is no God, no salvation. But mine is not so similar. I can't bring to my self to the same conclusion or convince my self that there is no God, there is no salvation. But I am not so quick to just "obviously" assume it is because I am so "indoctrinated" with beliefs that I am no a thoughtless drone and can no longer truly think for myself. I think the truth is far off from that assumption. There are some things I can never, and I will stop trying to, deny the existence of a God. There is a God. And the restoration of the true and restored gospel on the earth today. The church is true and Joseph Smith and the prophet on the earth today is a true prophet.

    So what is my problem? What is so wrong with my religion? Did I lose faith in the church? Apparently not so.   

    I did not lose faith in the church  but perhaps in the people. My quarrel is not with God or the Gospel, it's the people. It's the people driven, not God driven, culture that upsets me. So this problem is like any other problem. A handful....or a few more sour the experience for me. But then again did they do it, or did I? They didn't sour anything, I did. The facts didn't change. My perception did. So like work, school, and sports it's just the matter of time that I chose to change my perception and rely on happiness derived from the gospel and not the people.

   I think the human psyche relies too heavily on other individuals when it is strong enough to rely on it's self. That is were hate starts. Pride starts. Discrimination and racism emits and evolves. The human fallacy to place factual evidence on a select group of people.  Ignorant human thought process:There are terrorists in the middle east, they are all terrorists. A black guy stole my purse, all black guys are thieves. There are strong rampant crimes in turmoil in Africa, it's because they are black. Tom Smith the baptist threw coffee on me and called be a "dumb ass Mormon", all baptists hate Mormon's and are douche bags. My ignorant thought process: 10 people judge me in my faith, they are all judgmental, the church isn't true.

    To often as human beings we see things through a peep hole and a impulsive animals mind then seeing with our own eyes and think with our own mind.     I guess this is the way my steam of consciousness leads me....    Back to the original idea and a more satisfying conclusion: Instead of posing the arrogant idea that I can only "walk cause that's the only thing I can do" and self indulging on an ungrateful and self degrading pretense there is more honor in duty. Which would look more like "I walk because I have to". But sometimes duty and honor does not satisfy the human mind so possibly there is more happiness lying in the idea that "I walk because I want to". I think that is one of life's biggest trials. Finding the reason why you walk. What is your proof of your gratitude and self awareness for those who can't see, can't write, can't learn, can't walk, can't LIVE? What makes you want to want to walk?   For me....I'll keep walking for the ones who can't.

Afraid

A torn down city and worn out street

A voice rises above the haze and calls to me

Full of grief and distress

Disturbed and in a mess

 Calls me with emotion and doubt

 Wants me to tell him what all this pain is about

Wants to know if sadness ends

And if hope and relief begins

If this life is what it's cut out to be

Wonders if the darkness will rise and he'll be able to see

But afraid to see he shuts his eyes to the chance for it to happen

And trips in muck, stumbling times more than a thousand

Happy Birthday Jesus

One day I hope to meet you

I hope to see you

Where the crossroads meet

One day I hope to share

 I hope to care

 I hope to give you a place to sleep

a place to eat

One day I hope to meet you with eyes full of tears

I imagine you'll wipe them all away

And I'll finally hear those words "There's nothing to fear"