The Wild Psyche: A Reason To Walk

 Today I went on a walk. No destination. No reason. No appointment. No fitness driven cause. No real motivation whatsoever. But just for the mere reason that's the only thing I can do. So I walked.

    As I walked I thought about that simple seemingly meaningless statement "I walk because that's all I can do". I couldn't really shake that statement out of my mind; there was something wrong with it. I then started to think it selfish of my self to feel that way when there are people stricken in wheel chairs and beds that instead say "All I wish is to walk but it is something I will never get to do". Then I thought about people including myself who eat when they are depressed when there are people in this world who are depressed because they can't eat. I then looked at the mountains and the sky and thought about places in the world I've seen in pictures and I was depressed because I may never get to experience those places and then I thought of all the people in this world who wish they could go outside and see these sights but they can't because of an ailment. Then I thought of the blind who wish they could simply just the light of day but never will. After this point I was no longer depressed but angry. Angry at myself and angry at everyone else who has ever thought like that. How selfish. How demeaning. How ungrateful the tendencies of the blessed physically and partakers of the 1st world countries are; but even after that realization how many times am I going to return to that train of thought?

     I then started to swear to my self, my grip tightened, my chest got heavy, and self brought darkness enveloped as I welcomed the things that made me angry and let other things enter my mind. I started to think about the church and the reasons why I was mad at it. I've always believed that facts are constant but it's your perception of them dictates how you deal with them. But that didn't stop me from thinking that the facts had changed which caused a breach in perception. So I walked and blamed the facts. "The facts are the reason I feel this way. If the facts were different then I'd be different. I'd be happy and more motivated." I then thought how embarrassing it is that I can't talk to anyone in my faith about my problems without feeling guilty. I moaned to myself also thinking it a paradox that the place where happiness and salvation is promised only delivers guilt and self loathing. I thought about the last few months of how I wanted to feel enlightened and happy like a did a year ago. Full of faith and hope in my own cause and my religion but instead spent the the last feel months faking a feeling I thought would eventually come. But instead I was reminded by a short article by Langston Hughes where everyone is going to the front of the church is getting healed. I waited like him, waiting to feel it. To be healed and feel saved again. I witness other people full of confidence being saved but none is delivered to me. Some claim it is because of my example is a factor why they feel so confident. As much as it brought a sense of self worth to my character it also brought jealousy and contentment. Why is it that I was a satisfying treatment to another faith but there is none to satisfy mine?  These are the things I let ferment in my mind. Ignorantly throwing responsibility and accountability on a external factor.      But amidst all this amid thought I thought my situation a very different one to Langston Hughes. The article ends with the possible assumption that there is no God, no salvation. But mine is not so similar. I can't bring to my self to the same conclusion or convince my self that there is no God, there is no salvation. But I am not so quick to just "obviously" assume it is because I am so "indoctrinated" with beliefs that I am no a thoughtless drone and can no longer truly think for myself. I think the truth is far off from that assumption. There are some things I can never, and I will stop trying to, deny the existence of a God. There is a God. And the restoration of the true and restored gospel on the earth today. The church is true and Joseph Smith and the prophet on the earth today is a true prophet.

    So what is my problem? What is so wrong with my religion? Did I lose faith in the church? Apparently not so.   

    I did not lose faith in the church  but perhaps in the people. My quarrel is not with God or the Gospel, it's the people. It's the people driven, not God driven, culture that upsets me. So this problem is like any other problem. A handful....or a few more sour the experience for me. But then again did they do it, or did I? They didn't sour anything, I did. The facts didn't change. My perception did. So like work, school, and sports it's just the matter of time that I chose to change my perception and rely on happiness derived from the gospel and not the people.

   I think the human psyche relies too heavily on other individuals when it is strong enough to rely on it's self. That is were hate starts. Pride starts. Discrimination and racism emits and evolves. The human fallacy to place factual evidence on a select group of people.  Ignorant human thought process:There are terrorists in the middle east, they are all terrorists. A black guy stole my purse, all black guys are thieves. There are strong rampant crimes in turmoil in Africa, it's because they are black. Tom Smith the baptist threw coffee on me and called be a "dumb ass Mormon", all baptists hate Mormon's and are douche bags. My ignorant thought process: 10 people judge me in my faith, they are all judgmental, the church isn't true.

    To often as human beings we see things through a peep hole and a impulsive animals mind then seeing with our own eyes and think with our own mind.     I guess this is the way my steam of consciousness leads me....    Back to the original idea and a more satisfying conclusion: Instead of posing the arrogant idea that I can only "walk cause that's the only thing I can do" and self indulging on an ungrateful and self degrading pretense there is more honor in duty. Which would look more like "I walk because I have to". But sometimes duty and honor does not satisfy the human mind so possibly there is more happiness lying in the idea that "I walk because I want to". I think that is one of life's biggest trials. Finding the reason why you walk. What is your proof of your gratitude and self awareness for those who can't see, can't write, can't learn, can't walk, can't LIVE? What makes you want to want to walk?   For me....I'll keep walking for the ones who can't.