The Wild Psyche: Restlessness

         You hate it. You hate it when you look into the mirror all you see is past mistakes, past insults and past sicknesses. You hate that you feel bound and wound up at the same time and you can't do anything about it. You hate that who you are now isn't better than what you were before but you can't go back to what you were before because there's a better you somewhere forward. But you don't know who you are supposed to be later and so you cease to be what you are supposed to be today. It's a circular roller coaster entrapped by steel blades and hosted by the the one and only, the best: you. 

           You look at the clock and it's 8 a.m. and you have six homework assignments to do, three loads of laundry to be cleaned, and you have to clean the bathroom. But before you start these tasks you begin to worry. Clouds of misfortune and negativity fill the room around you. You hear "you only have ten bucks until your next pay check and that's in a week" and you brush it off, totally survivable. But then it says it again, and again, and again until it echos and splatters and scatters your brain in opposite ends of you skull. It's now got you hooked. 

           Thankfully, you have some things to do to deter this fact of finance for a while. You lift yourself from the bed and progress to the shower. The cloud follows though you are trying to ignore it. You're happy, alive, and confident about this day ahead of you and then you hear it again: "you have no money, you're tired, you shouldn't even worry about the laundry. Leave the bathroom alone, it's only going to get dirty again like your trashed life". You think to yourself "wow! That was a little outlandish. Trashed life? Nah, not me." 

          "Trashed life, trashed life, trashed life", though you've decided it's incorrect it resonates and lingers like the smell of fresh manure in your mind. At one point this phrase was nonsense but it wont go away, why is it still here? Once a rogue thought, it is now your thought process. 

           You skip laundry and cleaning the bathroom, you are now doing your homework. It comes again, "your life is trashed, you're still in school, and you are having a hard time on this assignment. It's probably because you're not smart." You look at the paper, once a mathematical language you could mostly comprehend is now as foreign as Japanese. You fight to go back to how you saw the problem but it's still just random characters. "No, no, no. Okay, let's back up a bit, review my notes, and then solve the problem", you think to yourself. You regain some confidence from your less than legible notes and attempt the problem. You pierce the paper with with multiple answers, all wrong. After 5 plus attempts your mind drops into a small panic and then you hear it again: "you're probably not smart". "Oh my goodness, I'm stupid. I can't even finish my math homework!" you fearfully shout within yourself.

The rogue thoughts are now your accepted and utilized self mutilation. You continue through the day with that dark cloud of self hate and loathing and you stumble over every possible obstacle that you come upon. You struggle to even keep your thoughts organized but they scramble like disturbed chickens. All thoughts loud, obnoxious, and fearful without reason. This wild scramble now becomes crippling and your sanity gasps for air but the current is too strong, too persistent and you fall deeper and fall victim to a antagonizing irrational comma. Before you know it, it's already midnight and your lying in bed trying to sleep but like a child you're now afraid to the point where "there might be something in the closet."

But this time there just might be something in the closet. Something waiting to come out and take control of your own body. Something tearing through your nerves making them tremble and stiffen. Embalming your mind with fear and self hatred and once it comes out, it's a lot harder to run away from it. Pretty soon you relationships fail, your grades drop, you lose your job, and now this thing that was now in the closet has pulled you back in with him.

You are together but you're alone. You sit apart but united. You're combined but your secluded. You are the monster and the monster is you. You no longer work out, you might break a bone. You no longer go to school, you might fail. You no longer go to work, you might get fired so you quit. You no longer touch doorknobs, they might have the swine flu. You no longer shake hands, you might get them sick. You no longer drive cars, you might crash.

In fact, you no longer live because you might die but you've already died because you've stopped trying. Actually, you've tried another pursuit. Now you're looking at a bottle pills and feeling a craving.