Love Poem: Where Happiness Begins

Put my troubles aside
And watch the tide roll in
Watch happiness begin
I'm here with you tonight

No place I rather be
No sight I rather see
You, and all your graces
Is enough to fill the lonely spaces

Cause when I'm with you
The clouds part, the music starts
And I can finely see the view

The panorama, the beach, the sand a,
Blacket to keep us tight
Watch happiness begin, because I'm here with you, tonight

White Boys Can Rap (Just For Fun)

No one thinks that a white boy can make a rap

But chill out, sit and grab a snack

 First of all, in my rhymes I don't cuss

Now chill out boy don't cause a fuss

I been spendin many years studying in the library 

So you can bet by now I got a infinite vocabulary 

My flow be smoother than ice

 I got plenty of manners and I'm always nice

On Christmas Eve I'm on the top of the list

But don't underestimate or you'll talk to my fist

But errday I be gangsta spittin

My haters be always over steppin

But don't matter I  make it rain over all

lAnd you can bet by now I know how to ball

Abasement To Encouragement

It's like waiting for the sun to set

Then darkness falls into your stead

Before you know it your on the ground

Surrounded by an awful sound

Dark memories blow you around like smoke

And failure forms an awful yoke

Your hands are bound and eyes are blurred

Your rational has been bent and slurred

Running away from life's worst fear

Try to find refuge but nothings near

Set back by doubt, you shout, but no one hears

Advice takes place but you've lost ears to hear

It's like waiting for the sun to rise

Looking for God into the skies

Manufacturing your own light

Cleanse into water to bright

Run and slam into your worst fear

To sweep away doubt and clear the tear

Seek to understand and seek to hear

Steady your mind and clear your ear

After lesson learned advice is near

It's like receiving a second chance

Clouds are lifted for you to glance

Light and warmth penetrate your soul

And luminescent embers guide your goal

Wake Up! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up! 

I told myself in my sleep

As I meddled in the deep 

Away from the room

I wrestled and tossed in my gloom

Slipping into my imminent doom

Wake up! Wake up!

Shouted my mind to my soul

As irrationality grinded reality  into a spectrum so dull 

I finally heard and I lunged

I hit bottom and shouted as I plunged

I bounce And flopped face up into the light

It shocked and flashed my senses as it blinded me

And my supposed flight was what really had bind me

Awake, awake

I clamored and hammered fist and knee into soil

And I cluttered, I stuttered in stature as I arose

And saw the pit I dug, and the work I now toil 

But with out hesitation I admitted and  with mind unfroze 

This journey won't be fast

And this lesson won't be the last

The Wild Psyche: Magic

          Today we live in a world where magic is taught and made reality when we are young. Today we live in a world where we are required to lose that magic as we get older. Where Disney movies are no longer cool after a age of 12. Where magic tricks are just quick gimics with an explanation by the age of 13. Where miracles stop. Where people just die and not come back to life. Where starving children in various countries die without  any attention, dictators rule and orchestrate genocides, religious leaders commit sins, and politicians betray their people. Rising teens assume adult pleasures like sex, alcohol, and drugs at young and ignorant ages. They lose innocence. They indulge and ignorantly starve themselves of reality through addictive habits. Then somewhere between the "adult" practices one encounters nostalgia of when there was still magic but now there is just sex, drugs, and alcohol, living paycheck to paycheck, your stupid stupid boss, you ex, your stupid house, your stupid car, and your stupid life. Instead of rainbows and sunny skies it's hail storms and ashy air. Then you contemplate to your self "where did the magic go?" It didn't go anywhere, you did.

            You were at some given age and someone made fun of you for enjoying something that held the magic for you. Whether it was Santa, Power Ranger shirts, or silly card tricks but someone somewhere expressed their disapproval in your magic. A parent or bully convinced you that your magic is not real anymore and is childish. But that is just a reflection of what happened to them. Someone ruined the magic for someone. They came in like robbers of the night stealing dreams and delivering "realism". It happened to them, so now they're going to do it to you. But with you it has to change, dont ruin the magic for someone else. Let them believe. For those don't have magic, look for it. It's there. 

   

        Now the reader would be so inclined protest at this moment. "Kids need to grow up" and "kids need to learn how to focus and work" is what the dusty people of the world say. But there is no correlation between laziness/childness with magic. It's ironic that humanity is in awe and jealousy of the "lost" magic when they are the ones that made it up. It's ironic that women hope and pray for a chick flick miracle but never look foward to it happening. If we adore these ideas so much, why dont we live them? 

    

       Instead of using enginuity to create great inventions, intuition to do do what is right, instinct to love we disolve and rob ourselves through moment's pleasures. We give up, we grow up, and stop believing. We drink to not care at a young age. We smoke to see worlds away from this disaster at a young age. We endulge in destructive sexual habits at a young age and make that love because men/women always  cheat, people always leave or die, and it has something in it for you. All these habits have something in it for you. So you grab it, because someone took the magic away before you knew you had to hold on. But thankfully, contrary to assumed belief, unlike innocence you can always retrieve magic. If magic was comparable to innocence then Disney would never exist, Marvel comics would have never been made, DC would just be a city instead of another line of comics, and the titles Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings would hold no weight. The creaters of these wonders held on or retreaved their magic and they made something out of it. They gave people hope and joy through their magic. They made a living on it and changed the world. 

       Now the reader may scoffingly resent this idea rebuttling with a chuckle "so you want me to believe in super heroes and fairy tales?" Why not? These things are more real than you would think. Batman had a phobia and he did more than overcome it, he became it.  The Hulk has a problem with anger he overcame it and used it for good.  Spiderman was a nerd with no confidence who then became a beacon of courage against all his chemically enhanced foes. Superman had a problems with girls, it took him forever to express his love to Lois Lane. Ironman is a raging alcoholic and a sex addict and in the end he picks the right woman and the right thing to do. Batman and Ironman have no superhuman power except percerverance in their strengths which in return pecomes their super power. Spiderman and Superman at some point lose their power. The Hulk had the power sucked out of him at one point. But in the end they get their power back. All the heroes at one point lose faith in themselves but they get back up. They are not diffrent from us. They all are a little weird, lost, and have their own disorder. But what seperates us from them? It's rather simple: people fall down, heroes get back up. 

            Disney movies are all about life lessons. Just because they are talking animals and 2D images doesn't mean there isn't truth there. The Lion King is about obeying parents and forgiving ourselves. Hercules is about getting back up and putting someone else before yourself and in the end that is what makes him a god. Peter Pan is about believing in something bigger than you and I and being able to grow up still believing in it. The Little Mermaid is about getting out of the place we live now and living in better and bigger places. Mulan is about family honor, courage, and becoming physically strong. All these stories and charecters are closer to real life than one would think. I see magic everywhere I go. I see addicts recovering and aligning them selves again and saving their life. I see people finding their faith amongst all the physical and mental angst that may surround them. I see people losing hundreds of pounds of weight and being free from the burden that consumed them. I see police officers going out of their way to save someone from villians. I see some politicians pushing for a new better world, soldiers fighting for it, scientists engineering for it, and teachers trying to mold it. I see artists of film, photography, paint, and word describing this world in an original way. But the most spectatcular are those who are close to us. Our family and friends who fall down and pick each other up. Parents who don't stop caring, take care of their family against all cost, fathers who pretect us, and especially our mothers who danced with death just to give us life. 

       I see magic everywhere. The basis of that becoming is either one: you trying to see it and/or two: you making it yourself. All these stories and superheroes  are simply just that, it's the fundementals under it all that is magic. That magic is what is forever and never ends. Those abusive habits we succom to are for the moment and we remember that everytime after we have done them but in the height of the moment we rationallize and convince our selves other wise. Those who believe in this aforementioned magic are the ones who experience it forever and in return live forver. Imagine the world without dreamers like Walt Disney, Goerge Washington, Martin Luther King, Stan Lee, Ghandi and Jesus. Miracles dont cause faith, faith is the cause of miracles. These people were miracles because of their faith in something bigger than themselves. These people were magic. You are magic, so use it. 

The Wild Psyche: A Reason To Walk

 Today I went on a walk. No destination. No reason. No appointment. No fitness driven cause. No real motivation whatsoever. But just for the mere reason that's the only thing I can do. So I walked.

    As I walked I thought about that simple seemingly meaningless statement "I walk because that's all I can do". I couldn't really shake that statement out of my mind; there was something wrong with it. I then started to think it selfish of my self to feel that way when there are people stricken in wheel chairs and beds that instead say "All I wish is to walk but it is something I will never get to do". Then I thought about people including myself who eat when they are depressed when there are people in this world who are depressed because they can't eat. I then looked at the mountains and the sky and thought about places in the world I've seen in pictures and I was depressed because I may never get to experience those places and then I thought of all the people in this world who wish they could go outside and see these sights but they can't because of an ailment. Then I thought of the blind who wish they could simply just the light of day but never will. After this point I was no longer depressed but angry. Angry at myself and angry at everyone else who has ever thought like that. How selfish. How demeaning. How ungrateful the tendencies of the blessed physically and partakers of the 1st world countries are; but even after that realization how many times am I going to return to that train of thought?

     I then started to swear to my self, my grip tightened, my chest got heavy, and self brought darkness enveloped as I welcomed the things that made me angry and let other things enter my mind. I started to think about the church and the reasons why I was mad at it. I've always believed that facts are constant but it's your perception of them dictates how you deal with them. But that didn't stop me from thinking that the facts had changed which caused a breach in perception. So I walked and blamed the facts. "The facts are the reason I feel this way. If the facts were different then I'd be different. I'd be happy and more motivated." I then thought how embarrassing it is that I can't talk to anyone in my faith about my problems without feeling guilty. I moaned to myself also thinking it a paradox that the place where happiness and salvation is promised only delivers guilt and self loathing. I thought about the last few months of how I wanted to feel enlightened and happy like a did a year ago. Full of faith and hope in my own cause and my religion but instead spent the the last feel months faking a feeling I thought would eventually come. But instead I was reminded by a short article by Langston Hughes where everyone is going to the front of the church is getting healed. I waited like him, waiting to feel it. To be healed and feel saved again. I witness other people full of confidence being saved but none is delivered to me. Some claim it is because of my example is a factor why they feel so confident. As much as it brought a sense of self worth to my character it also brought jealousy and contentment. Why is it that I was a satisfying treatment to another faith but there is none to satisfy mine?  These are the things I let ferment in my mind. Ignorantly throwing responsibility and accountability on a external factor.      But amidst all this amid thought I thought my situation a very different one to Langston Hughes. The article ends with the possible assumption that there is no God, no salvation. But mine is not so similar. I can't bring to my self to the same conclusion or convince my self that there is no God, there is no salvation. But I am not so quick to just "obviously" assume it is because I am so "indoctrinated" with beliefs that I am no a thoughtless drone and can no longer truly think for myself. I think the truth is far off from that assumption. There are some things I can never, and I will stop trying to, deny the existence of a God. There is a God. And the restoration of the true and restored gospel on the earth today. The church is true and Joseph Smith and the prophet on the earth today is a true prophet.

    So what is my problem? What is so wrong with my religion? Did I lose faith in the church? Apparently not so.   

    I did not lose faith in the church  but perhaps in the people. My quarrel is not with God or the Gospel, it's the people. It's the people driven, not God driven, culture that upsets me. So this problem is like any other problem. A handful....or a few more sour the experience for me. But then again did they do it, or did I? They didn't sour anything, I did. The facts didn't change. My perception did. So like work, school, and sports it's just the matter of time that I chose to change my perception and rely on happiness derived from the gospel and not the people.

   I think the human psyche relies too heavily on other individuals when it is strong enough to rely on it's self. That is were hate starts. Pride starts. Discrimination and racism emits and evolves. The human fallacy to place factual evidence on a select group of people.  Ignorant human thought process:There are terrorists in the middle east, they are all terrorists. A black guy stole my purse, all black guys are thieves. There are strong rampant crimes in turmoil in Africa, it's because they are black. Tom Smith the baptist threw coffee on me and called be a "dumb ass Mormon", all baptists hate Mormon's and are douche bags. My ignorant thought process: 10 people judge me in my faith, they are all judgmental, the church isn't true.

    To often as human beings we see things through a peep hole and a impulsive animals mind then seeing with our own eyes and think with our own mind.     I guess this is the way my steam of consciousness leads me....    Back to the original idea and a more satisfying conclusion: Instead of posing the arrogant idea that I can only "walk cause that's the only thing I can do" and self indulging on an ungrateful and self degrading pretense there is more honor in duty. Which would look more like "I walk because I have to". But sometimes duty and honor does not satisfy the human mind so possibly there is more happiness lying in the idea that "I walk because I want to". I think that is one of life's biggest trials. Finding the reason why you walk. What is your proof of your gratitude and self awareness for those who can't see, can't write, can't learn, can't walk, can't LIVE? What makes you want to want to walk?   For me....I'll keep walking for the ones who can't.

Afraid

A torn down city and worn out street

A voice rises above the haze and calls to me

Full of grief and distress

Disturbed and in a mess

 Calls me with emotion and doubt

 Wants me to tell him what all this pain is about

Wants to know if sadness ends

And if hope and relief begins

If this life is what it's cut out to be

Wonders if the darkness will rise and he'll be able to see

But afraid to see he shuts his eyes to the chance for it to happen

And trips in muck, stumbling times more than a thousand

Happy Birthday Jesus

One day I hope to meet you

I hope to see you

Where the crossroads meet

One day I hope to share

 I hope to care

 I hope to give you a place to sleep

a place to eat

One day I hope to meet you with eyes full of tears

I imagine you'll wipe them all away

And I'll finally hear those words "There's nothing to fear"

Falling In Way Too Deep

It's about 3 in morning 

Try to catch some sleep

Just sitting here thinking

 Falling in way to deep

Is it worth trying fo

rIs it  worth enriching the poor

Is it worth fighting for

 Or let slip, and watch it fall to the floor 

I gotta find a way

Gotta keep trying

Gotta keep this route 

Cause others slip, and many of them are dying 

Many of them are dying 

Many of them are dying 

Oh! Stop this senseless nonsense

It doesn't pay rent

 It doesn't rise you above

It isn't heaven sent 

All this constant rambling, babbling, and circling around 

Gonna set you through the walls, gonna put you in the ground

I Hid

I hid where the light shines and can't find me

I let the darkness roll in and bind me

I let the false thoughts control despite of me

And now I fall into obscurity silently

I'm stuck in the murk and I can't find my way

I'm stuck with solitude and he's here to stay

Like quick sand it swollowed and turned to clay

Oh Lord come near and take me away!