Love Poem: Where Happiness Begins

Put my troubles aside
And watch the tide roll in
Watch happiness begin
I'm here with you tonight

No place I rather be
No sight I rather see
You, and all your graces
Is enough to fill the lonely spaces

Cause when I'm with you
The clouds part, the music starts
And I can finely see the view

The panorama, the beach, the sand a,
Blacket to keep us tight
Watch happiness begin, because I'm here with you, tonight

White Boys Can Rap (Just For Fun)

No one thinks that a white boy can make a rap

But chill out, sit and grab a snack

 First of all, in my rhymes I don't cuss

Now chill out boy don't cause a fuss

I been spendin many years studying in the library 

So you can bet by now I got a infinite vocabulary 

My flow be smoother than ice

 I got plenty of manners and I'm always nice

On Christmas Eve I'm on the top of the list

But don't underestimate or you'll talk to my fist

But errday I be gangsta spittin

My haters be always over steppin

But don't matter I  make it rain over all

lAnd you can bet by now I know how to ball

Abasement To Encouragement

It's like waiting for the sun to set

Then darkness falls into your stead

Before you know it your on the ground

Surrounded by an awful sound

Dark memories blow you around like smoke

And failure forms an awful yoke

Your hands are bound and eyes are blurred

Your rational has been bent and slurred

Running away from life's worst fear

Try to find refuge but nothings near

Set back by doubt, you shout, but no one hears

Advice takes place but you've lost ears to hear

It's like waiting for the sun to rise

Looking for God into the skies

Manufacturing your own light

Cleanse into water to bright

Run and slam into your worst fear

To sweep away doubt and clear the tear

Seek to understand and seek to hear

Steady your mind and clear your ear

After lesson learned advice is near

It's like receiving a second chance

Clouds are lifted for you to glance

Light and warmth penetrate your soul

And luminescent embers guide your goal

Wake Up! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up! 

I told myself in my sleep

As I meddled in the deep 

Away from the room

I wrestled and tossed in my gloom

Slipping into my imminent doom

Wake up! Wake up!

Shouted my mind to my soul

As irrationality grinded reality  into a spectrum so dull 

I finally heard and I lunged

I hit bottom and shouted as I plunged

I bounce And flopped face up into the light

It shocked and flashed my senses as it blinded me

And my supposed flight was what really had bind me

Awake, awake

I clamored and hammered fist and knee into soil

And I cluttered, I stuttered in stature as I arose

And saw the pit I dug, and the work I now toil 

But with out hesitation I admitted and  with mind unfroze 

This journey won't be fast

And this lesson won't be the last

The Wild Psyche: Magic

          Today we live in a world where magic is taught and made reality when we are young. Today we live in a world where we are required to lose that magic as we get older. Where Disney movies are no longer cool after a age of 12. Where magic tricks are just quick gimics with an explanation by the age of 13. Where miracles stop. Where people just die and not come back to life. Where starving children in various countries die without  any attention, dictators rule and orchestrate genocides, religious leaders commit sins, and politicians betray their people. Rising teens assume adult pleasures like sex, alcohol, and drugs at young and ignorant ages. They lose innocence. They indulge and ignorantly starve themselves of reality through addictive habits. Then somewhere between the "adult" practices one encounters nostalgia of when there was still magic but now there is just sex, drugs, and alcohol, living paycheck to paycheck, your stupid stupid boss, you ex, your stupid house, your stupid car, and your stupid life. Instead of rainbows and sunny skies it's hail storms and ashy air. Then you contemplate to your self "where did the magic go?" It didn't go anywhere, you did.

            You were at some given age and someone made fun of you for enjoying something that held the magic for you. Whether it was Santa, Power Ranger shirts, or silly card tricks but someone somewhere expressed their disapproval in your magic. A parent or bully convinced you that your magic is not real anymore and is childish. But that is just a reflection of what happened to them. Someone ruined the magic for someone. They came in like robbers of the night stealing dreams and delivering "realism". It happened to them, so now they're going to do it to you. But with you it has to change, dont ruin the magic for someone else. Let them believe. For those don't have magic, look for it. It's there. 

   

        Now the reader would be so inclined protest at this moment. "Kids need to grow up" and "kids need to learn how to focus and work" is what the dusty people of the world say. But there is no correlation between laziness/childness with magic. It's ironic that humanity is in awe and jealousy of the "lost" magic when they are the ones that made it up. It's ironic that women hope and pray for a chick flick miracle but never look foward to it happening. If we adore these ideas so much, why dont we live them? 

    

       Instead of using enginuity to create great inventions, intuition to do do what is right, instinct to love we disolve and rob ourselves through moment's pleasures. We give up, we grow up, and stop believing. We drink to not care at a young age. We smoke to see worlds away from this disaster at a young age. We endulge in destructive sexual habits at a young age and make that love because men/women always  cheat, people always leave or die, and it has something in it for you. All these habits have something in it for you. So you grab it, because someone took the magic away before you knew you had to hold on. But thankfully, contrary to assumed belief, unlike innocence you can always retrieve magic. If magic was comparable to innocence then Disney would never exist, Marvel comics would have never been made, DC would just be a city instead of another line of comics, and the titles Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings would hold no weight. The creaters of these wonders held on or retreaved their magic and they made something out of it. They gave people hope and joy through their magic. They made a living on it and changed the world. 

       Now the reader may scoffingly resent this idea rebuttling with a chuckle "so you want me to believe in super heroes and fairy tales?" Why not? These things are more real than you would think. Batman had a phobia and he did more than overcome it, he became it.  The Hulk has a problem with anger he overcame it and used it for good.  Spiderman was a nerd with no confidence who then became a beacon of courage against all his chemically enhanced foes. Superman had a problems with girls, it took him forever to express his love to Lois Lane. Ironman is a raging alcoholic and a sex addict and in the end he picks the right woman and the right thing to do. Batman and Ironman have no superhuman power except percerverance in their strengths which in return pecomes their super power. Spiderman and Superman at some point lose their power. The Hulk had the power sucked out of him at one point. But in the end they get their power back. All the heroes at one point lose faith in themselves but they get back up. They are not diffrent from us. They all are a little weird, lost, and have their own disorder. But what seperates us from them? It's rather simple: people fall down, heroes get back up. 

            Disney movies are all about life lessons. Just because they are talking animals and 2D images doesn't mean there isn't truth there. The Lion King is about obeying parents and forgiving ourselves. Hercules is about getting back up and putting someone else before yourself and in the end that is what makes him a god. Peter Pan is about believing in something bigger than you and I and being able to grow up still believing in it. The Little Mermaid is about getting out of the place we live now and living in better and bigger places. Mulan is about family honor, courage, and becoming physically strong. All these stories and charecters are closer to real life than one would think. I see magic everywhere I go. I see addicts recovering and aligning them selves again and saving their life. I see people finding their faith amongst all the physical and mental angst that may surround them. I see people losing hundreds of pounds of weight and being free from the burden that consumed them. I see police officers going out of their way to save someone from villians. I see some politicians pushing for a new better world, soldiers fighting for it, scientists engineering for it, and teachers trying to mold it. I see artists of film, photography, paint, and word describing this world in an original way. But the most spectatcular are those who are close to us. Our family and friends who fall down and pick each other up. Parents who don't stop caring, take care of their family against all cost, fathers who pretect us, and especially our mothers who danced with death just to give us life. 

       I see magic everywhere. The basis of that becoming is either one: you trying to see it and/or two: you making it yourself. All these stories and superheroes  are simply just that, it's the fundementals under it all that is magic. That magic is what is forever and never ends. Those abusive habits we succom to are for the moment and we remember that everytime after we have done them but in the height of the moment we rationallize and convince our selves other wise. Those who believe in this aforementioned magic are the ones who experience it forever and in return live forver. Imagine the world without dreamers like Walt Disney, Goerge Washington, Martin Luther King, Stan Lee, Ghandi and Jesus. Miracles dont cause faith, faith is the cause of miracles. These people were miracles because of their faith in something bigger than themselves. These people were magic. You are magic, so use it. 

The Wild Psyche: A Reason To Walk

 Today I went on a walk. No destination. No reason. No appointment. No fitness driven cause. No real motivation whatsoever. But just for the mere reason that's the only thing I can do. So I walked.

    As I walked I thought about that simple seemingly meaningless statement "I walk because that's all I can do". I couldn't really shake that statement out of my mind; there was something wrong with it. I then started to think it selfish of my self to feel that way when there are people stricken in wheel chairs and beds that instead say "All I wish is to walk but it is something I will never get to do". Then I thought about people including myself who eat when they are depressed when there are people in this world who are depressed because they can't eat. I then looked at the mountains and the sky and thought about places in the world I've seen in pictures and I was depressed because I may never get to experience those places and then I thought of all the people in this world who wish they could go outside and see these sights but they can't because of an ailment. Then I thought of the blind who wish they could simply just the light of day but never will. After this point I was no longer depressed but angry. Angry at myself and angry at everyone else who has ever thought like that. How selfish. How demeaning. How ungrateful the tendencies of the blessed physically and partakers of the 1st world countries are; but even after that realization how many times am I going to return to that train of thought?

     I then started to swear to my self, my grip tightened, my chest got heavy, and self brought darkness enveloped as I welcomed the things that made me angry and let other things enter my mind. I started to think about the church and the reasons why I was mad at it. I've always believed that facts are constant but it's your perception of them dictates how you deal with them. But that didn't stop me from thinking that the facts had changed which caused a breach in perception. So I walked and blamed the facts. "The facts are the reason I feel this way. If the facts were different then I'd be different. I'd be happy and more motivated." I then thought how embarrassing it is that I can't talk to anyone in my faith about my problems without feeling guilty. I moaned to myself also thinking it a paradox that the place where happiness and salvation is promised only delivers guilt and self loathing. I thought about the last few months of how I wanted to feel enlightened and happy like a did a year ago. Full of faith and hope in my own cause and my religion but instead spent the the last feel months faking a feeling I thought would eventually come. But instead I was reminded by a short article by Langston Hughes where everyone is going to the front of the church is getting healed. I waited like him, waiting to feel it. To be healed and feel saved again. I witness other people full of confidence being saved but none is delivered to me. Some claim it is because of my example is a factor why they feel so confident. As much as it brought a sense of self worth to my character it also brought jealousy and contentment. Why is it that I was a satisfying treatment to another faith but there is none to satisfy mine?  These are the things I let ferment in my mind. Ignorantly throwing responsibility and accountability on a external factor.      But amidst all this amid thought I thought my situation a very different one to Langston Hughes. The article ends with the possible assumption that there is no God, no salvation. But mine is not so similar. I can't bring to my self to the same conclusion or convince my self that there is no God, there is no salvation. But I am not so quick to just "obviously" assume it is because I am so "indoctrinated" with beliefs that I am no a thoughtless drone and can no longer truly think for myself. I think the truth is far off from that assumption. There are some things I can never, and I will stop trying to, deny the existence of a God. There is a God. And the restoration of the true and restored gospel on the earth today. The church is true and Joseph Smith and the prophet on the earth today is a true prophet.

    So what is my problem? What is so wrong with my religion? Did I lose faith in the church? Apparently not so.   

    I did not lose faith in the church  but perhaps in the people. My quarrel is not with God or the Gospel, it's the people. It's the people driven, not God driven, culture that upsets me. So this problem is like any other problem. A handful....or a few more sour the experience for me. But then again did they do it, or did I? They didn't sour anything, I did. The facts didn't change. My perception did. So like work, school, and sports it's just the matter of time that I chose to change my perception and rely on happiness derived from the gospel and not the people.

   I think the human psyche relies too heavily on other individuals when it is strong enough to rely on it's self. That is were hate starts. Pride starts. Discrimination and racism emits and evolves. The human fallacy to place factual evidence on a select group of people.  Ignorant human thought process:There are terrorists in the middle east, they are all terrorists. A black guy stole my purse, all black guys are thieves. There are strong rampant crimes in turmoil in Africa, it's because they are black. Tom Smith the baptist threw coffee on me and called be a "dumb ass Mormon", all baptists hate Mormon's and are douche bags. My ignorant thought process: 10 people judge me in my faith, they are all judgmental, the church isn't true.

    To often as human beings we see things through a peep hole and a impulsive animals mind then seeing with our own eyes and think with our own mind.     I guess this is the way my steam of consciousness leads me....    Back to the original idea and a more satisfying conclusion: Instead of posing the arrogant idea that I can only "walk cause that's the only thing I can do" and self indulging on an ungrateful and self degrading pretense there is more honor in duty. Which would look more like "I walk because I have to". But sometimes duty and honor does not satisfy the human mind so possibly there is more happiness lying in the idea that "I walk because I want to". I think that is one of life's biggest trials. Finding the reason why you walk. What is your proof of your gratitude and self awareness for those who can't see, can't write, can't learn, can't walk, can't LIVE? What makes you want to want to walk?   For me....I'll keep walking for the ones who can't.

Afraid

A torn down city and worn out street

A voice rises above the haze and calls to me

Full of grief and distress

Disturbed and in a mess

 Calls me with emotion and doubt

 Wants me to tell him what all this pain is about

Wants to know if sadness ends

And if hope and relief begins

If this life is what it's cut out to be

Wonders if the darkness will rise and he'll be able to see

But afraid to see he shuts his eyes to the chance for it to happen

And trips in muck, stumbling times more than a thousand

Happy Birthday Jesus

One day I hope to meet you

I hope to see you

Where the crossroads meet

One day I hope to share

 I hope to care

 I hope to give you a place to sleep

a place to eat

One day I hope to meet you with eyes full of tears

I imagine you'll wipe them all away

And I'll finally hear those words "There's nothing to fear"

Falling In Way Too Deep

It's about 3 in morning 

Try to catch some sleep

Just sitting here thinking

 Falling in way to deep

Is it worth trying fo

rIs it  worth enriching the poor

Is it worth fighting for

 Or let slip, and watch it fall to the floor 

I gotta find a way

Gotta keep trying

Gotta keep this route 

Cause others slip, and many of them are dying 

Many of them are dying 

Many of them are dying 

Oh! Stop this senseless nonsense

It doesn't pay rent

 It doesn't rise you above

It isn't heaven sent 

All this constant rambling, babbling, and circling around 

Gonna set you through the walls, gonna put you in the ground

I Hid

I hid where the light shines and can't find me

I let the darkness roll in and bind me

I let the false thoughts control despite of me

And now I fall into obscurity silently

I'm stuck in the murk and I can't find my way

I'm stuck with solitude and he's here to stay

Like quick sand it swollowed and turned to clay

Oh Lord come near and take me away!

I Wonder About Super Heroes

Sometimes I wonder

Wonder about the heroes 

Were they born with lightning and thunder 

And destined to always conquer foes

Did Superman walk before he flew

 Was he weak way before he knew

He could left cars with the curl of a finger

And save the world 

Troubles (Lyrics; kind of dark but I still hope to accompany it with a solid tune)

 It's the final stretch

Try to catch my breath

But the troubles keep taking me away

Thrown into tomorrow and forgetting about today

 But I know there's solace, I know I'll find a way

So tell me your still there

Tell me your the one, the man upstairs

So tell me, you still hear us

Tell me, you still answer our prayers

Approaching the finish line

But caught in the fog malign 

And the creatures still haunt these empty streets

Preaching their self worth

Preaching their faulty girth

And tearing me, carrying me away

So tell me, your still there

Tell me you still care

And tell me you will come down

And tell me I'm not lost and still found

It's hard to think about these empty streets 

It's hard to think there's more victory than lone defeats

It's hard to think theres still a way and that something as good as you is here to stay

I still got a lot to learn and my soul and heart yearns

For the wisdom of life to rise above rise above the strife

If I Have You

Perhaps if all the fires loose their ember

I'd still have a picture to remember

 Perhaps if the sun cease to shine

I'd still have a light that would only be mine

Perhaps if all the homes were to crumble

I'd have a treasure to keep from the ruble

 Perhaps if the blue sky were to fall

I'd still have stars to fill it all

Perhaps if the floor beneath were to loose it's upward force

I'd have wings to take off and take my own course

Perhaps my heart is beginning to fail or dwindle

But if I have yours, I may continue happily, even if it's just a little

Just Go

If you stop moving, the enemy surely got you beat

You gotta trudge, push straight through the sludge

And if you're lucky, those golden gates you'll meet

And if you are victorious, with the gods you'll have your seat

Who Do You Think You Are? My Last Retort

Who do think you are to down grade  a human being

Just because they believe in a greater all knowing  being

Who do you think you are to say that they can't learn

Just because you lack an understanding in charity so firm

You've built up your knowledge in science 

You even made logic your only alliance

And yet you say your a well rounded individual 

When you lack the ability to pull a full visual

See while you preach and teach and use a pretentious speech

Of logic and empirical data

You got happy individuals making money off of heavenly art saying "hey, see you lata!" 

Edison is one of them

Yeah I know he's a man of science 

But I know he also had an illogical experience

He sought to make the light bulb practical, to put it in every home

But you wouldn't even think for a second "that looney is on his own"

Why? Because he already succeeded And a new invention he created 

But he didn't create, he found a way, and that way he employed 

Cause even science says "neither energy or mass can be created or destroyed"

But obviously God is way to hard to believe

And the idea of harnessing light is obviously a lot easier to perceive

 Now if we say that Edison found a way and put it to use

 Do you think we can find a way in GodDon't tell me, you choose 

You see, all scientists are crazy until they choose to succeed

And humans are all atheist till they choose to believe

But you know I'm not trying to convince you 

So stop your crying now, here's a tissue

Cause I know you've made a wise assumption in assuming I am a believer

And with that illogical schema you shut your eyes and claim I'm human's deceiver

But it's funny cause I don't think imperical data or logic are included in the definition of "assume" 

But ignore that point and let the pointless corrections of my basic knowledge of science resume

So you know what, I'm going to stop talking

Cause I already know this irrelevant argument your caulking

 But in all honesty, I mean no disrespect

I don't mean to belittle but I mean to correct

I believe in God, and I can understand your view

But what I don't understand is why God believers have to avoid arrogant people like you 

You see, if I can understand your philosophies

You should be able to understand mine

But instead every time I speak of God, not to you, you whine

You lack the audacity to see beyond the logical line

And you use it as an excuse to forget to be kind

But I just think that your upset that believing in God, I can start

And at the same time I can understand science and still be smart

Our Choice

I wanna know why the world is shadowed in doubt

Why the world claims knowledge but still ignorance it shouts

Why people give up

Why people show up

 Like fakes and make less than satisfied lives because it works

Life isn't supposed to just work

It was supposed to run

To hit the stars and rise with the morning sun 

To shock and appall

 To unite and and stand tall

But like the Beatles I see all "the lonely people, where do they come from?"

They come from among the the songs not sung

The dreams not given time to ignite

The values that they did not fight for

And then the same people tell people like me to sit down and shut up

To get with life and grow up

That a beautiful life is a fictional story

And then they step up and rise on their mediocre glory

But I don't care anymore.

 I know life has a lot more in store

And now I am going make a demand 

That instead staying down and watching things hit the fan

I'll stand up and be a man

Not necessarily because I will be great

But that someone great will see

And see that I was me, and decide to be

And not be late and begin the road they were meant to persevere 

So they can see my mistakes and figure the same will happen but not have any fear 

That one more tear is the motivation to go on one more year

I believe in these things and when I look I see hope

But according to some people, these dreams belong in a fictional book. 

But they don't matter

I rather lose trying to be something

Than not play and subside to being nothing

A Slightly Humorous Reflection of Anxiety

Tell me how much I fear

Tell me all the horrible things I want to hear

Tell me I'm bad, tell me I'm sad

Tell me that I'm too fat 

Tell me I'm worthless and not worth a dime

Tell me if I try I'll lose every time

Tell me I'm numb,tell me I'm dumb

Make up the chances to put me zero to none

Here I go, here I go again

In my head, never gonna ever win

In a circle, spin me to delirium

Shake me down, and fill with me helium

Now float in the air

No destination

Only hesitation

Procrastination 

Retardation 

Abstention 

Accommodation 

Suffocation 

Affixation 

Affliction

Oh here I go here I go again

With a Obnoxious sense of tedious allocution

 Got to stop got to stop on the spot

But how do I do it?

It seems I forgot!

Man's Scientific Process

Assumptions, facts, questions, thoughts, answer
No: facts, assumptions, questions, thoughts, answer
No: assumptions, answer, questions, thoughts, facts
No: drop all of them, except for thoughts and assumptions and never put the others back
That is the day we live in 
That is the poor joy we've taken 
This is what we've chosen to lack
This is who we are, under our own attack
I assume I'm right, therefore I am 
I have a thought, therefore I can
Rather than I read facts therefore I know
And I question assumptions therefore grow
I have a thought, and I have an assumption 
I have a fact there for I claim absolution 
Instead of I have a thought questioned by fact 
Therefore I have no assumption only truthful acts
I am right, and I am right 
Therefore I have facts, and the facts are right 
Instead of I assume to be wrong, because I do not know everything
And facts are not absolute therefore I should claim nothing
Even in science theory is the highest law 
And laws are a guide line, not a definite call of default
It is not a topic of eternity because of the omit of anything contradictory 
But a method and products of ways proven true 
Not given the method and products for things not even taken into view
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what about laws! 
laws are proven correct only because of its tested theory
And a theory is proven correct as soon as its tested by its law
So we learn that everything is solidified and vindicated through its test 
Not everything just is and will and always will be because of ignorance's educated guess 
So what we know should always be tried
As well as we try because of the things that we already know
I don't care if walking has always has gotten me there
Once I hit a body of water I better prepare
Once my foot hits that unsteady substance 
I now know that my present knowledge and the real fact are at incongruence 
But most people are likely to hit the water 
And now suffocate and in their lungs feel its influence 
Rather than try a boat and avoid being Pride's martyr 
No matter how hard I try
I may never convince
No matter how much palatable evidence 
I provide it will seldom be given admittance 
But what I can do now
Is what others can never do later
Give the unproven it's time 
And see the inevitable be created
As myself, the Creator

Like The Dark Knight

Clutches, crutches, they say entrap me
Motivation, conservation I say set me free
Hold me back, they couldn't if they tried
I wear it on my face like Batman, my fear just died

Raise the fears and turn it to a mask
Place it on my face so others won't have to ask
How did I get here
You already know
What is your fear
It's here to show

Like the bats that cloud and bring me down
Like the villains, the foes, the joker, the clown
I wear the one and preserve the other
So I won't have to get lost, I won't have to wander

The darkness is what put into the deep
Now I make it lift me up and form my own keep
Take it with me so others can see light
Drag it down with me so others can still fight

Where do I go?
Well I know where I've been
Put them on my face like war paint
Let the battle begin

The Wild Psyche: Restlessness

         You hate it. You hate it when you look into the mirror all you see is past mistakes, past insults and past sicknesses. You hate that you feel bound and wound up at the same time and you can't do anything about it. You hate that who you are now isn't better than what you were before but you can't go back to what you were before because there's a better you somewhere forward. But you don't know who you are supposed to be later and so you cease to be what you are supposed to be today. It's a circular roller coaster entrapped by steel blades and hosted by the the one and only, the best: you. 

           You look at the clock and it's 8 a.m. and you have six homework assignments to do, three loads of laundry to be cleaned, and you have to clean the bathroom. But before you start these tasks you begin to worry. Clouds of misfortune and negativity fill the room around you. You hear "you only have ten bucks until your next pay check and that's in a week" and you brush it off, totally survivable. But then it says it again, and again, and again until it echos and splatters and scatters your brain in opposite ends of you skull. It's now got you hooked. 

           Thankfully, you have some things to do to deter this fact of finance for a while. You lift yourself from the bed and progress to the shower. The cloud follows though you are trying to ignore it. You're happy, alive, and confident about this day ahead of you and then you hear it again: "you have no money, you're tired, you shouldn't even worry about the laundry. Leave the bathroom alone, it's only going to get dirty again like your trashed life". You think to yourself "wow! That was a little outlandish. Trashed life? Nah, not me." 

          "Trashed life, trashed life, trashed life", though you've decided it's incorrect it resonates and lingers like the smell of fresh manure in your mind. At one point this phrase was nonsense but it wont go away, why is it still here? Once a rogue thought, it is now your thought process. 

           You skip laundry and cleaning the bathroom, you are now doing your homework. It comes again, "your life is trashed, you're still in school, and you are having a hard time on this assignment. It's probably because you're not smart." You look at the paper, once a mathematical language you could mostly comprehend is now as foreign as Japanese. You fight to go back to how you saw the problem but it's still just random characters. "No, no, no. Okay, let's back up a bit, review my notes, and then solve the problem", you think to yourself. You regain some confidence from your less than legible notes and attempt the problem. You pierce the paper with with multiple answers, all wrong. After 5 plus attempts your mind drops into a small panic and then you hear it again: "you're probably not smart". "Oh my goodness, I'm stupid. I can't even finish my math homework!" you fearfully shout within yourself.

The rogue thoughts are now your accepted and utilized self mutilation. You continue through the day with that dark cloud of self hate and loathing and you stumble over every possible obstacle that you come upon. You struggle to even keep your thoughts organized but they scramble like disturbed chickens. All thoughts loud, obnoxious, and fearful without reason. This wild scramble now becomes crippling and your sanity gasps for air but the current is too strong, too persistent and you fall deeper and fall victim to a antagonizing irrational comma. Before you know it, it's already midnight and your lying in bed trying to sleep but like a child you're now afraid to the point where "there might be something in the closet."

But this time there just might be something in the closet. Something waiting to come out and take control of your own body. Something tearing through your nerves making them tremble and stiffen. Embalming your mind with fear and self hatred and once it comes out, it's a lot harder to run away from it. Pretty soon you relationships fail, your grades drop, you lose your job, and now this thing that was now in the closet has pulled you back in with him.

You are together but you're alone. You sit apart but united. You're combined but your secluded. You are the monster and the monster is you. You no longer work out, you might break a bone. You no longer go to school, you might fail. You no longer go to work, you might get fired so you quit. You no longer touch doorknobs, they might have the swine flu. You no longer shake hands, you might get them sick. You no longer drive cars, you might crash.

In fact, you no longer live because you might die but you've already died because you've stopped trying. Actually, you've tried another pursuit. Now you're looking at a bottle pills and feeling a craving.